Granny...

Sigh.
I've been avoiding this post for four days now.
I've gone over it in my head more than a few times, but the words just aren't coming to me.
I want to write something sweet. Something worthy. Something perfect.
But I just can't find the words.
This is a photo of my friend "Granny." She is Josh's maternal grandmother. I guess I could say that she is my grandmother too... because the first time I met her she told me to sit down next to her and then said that because Josh was her grandson (it was the weekend of our wedding) and that....
Argh, see the words aren't coming here... I can see her sitting on the bed, and I can remember hearing what she said, but when I try to write it out it just doesn't work! The words on the paper are not giving the meaning that they carried with them in real life.
...I remember her telling me that I was their granddaughter too.

But it sounded so much better than that.

For a wedding gift she gave me (even though it was from both Grandpa Tom and her to Josh and I)... she gave me white metal mixing bowls, measuring cups, kitchen towels, an apple shaped timer, and a dicier thing. I still use the mixing bowls ALL THE TIME!

Well, obviously, I wouldn't be writing about Granny unless something fun or amazing happened.
Something fun did not happen.
. . . . . . . . . . .
I could go on about how her passing happened, but ... no. I don't want to. I want to quietly remember some of the things that happened. They are special. And sometimes when you share too much things can lose their value.
I am going to miss Granny terribly. We had a lot in common. I always joked with Josh that, "why is it when Granny says something everyone thinks she's a wise woman, but if I were to say that same thing people would think I was b*tching, even if it really is the exact same way I feel?" (sorry for the language, but it's the truth.)
I loved to visit with Granny. I loved to escape to her apartment (a remodelled garage) when we were at Josh's parents' so I could have some "space" from the hecticness that comes with visiting family. She helped me a lot with marital things... mostly, she'd genuinely ask me if things were alright and how I was doing, and then she would listen. Most times I didn't need to go into any great detail because she already knew what my face was going to say, good or bad.
She'd look at me with a straight face and listen. Maybe ask a question or two, but mostly just listen.
AND THEN she'd tell me how much she missed Grandpa Tom... and things would become clear to me. That all the troubles that we mount up in sheer moments are really small matters in the bigger scheme of things. That, yes, we are going to have our struggles and arguments. That, of course, we want things to be a certain way even though someone else wants it another way. But when it's all said and done it's more important to look at the things we are blessed with rather than the things that upset us. To thank people for the help they give even if we wish they would've done it differently. And, knowing how much she missed her husband couldn't do anything more than help me remember how much I love mine.
(Yes. It's all obvious, I get it.)
While I have knowledge and faith that she is in a better place.... That she has been reunited with Grandpa Tom. That she is no longer struggling with pain, chronic illness, and sadness from missing her husband. That she lived an amazing life and touched so many other lives with her kindness, love, and generosity. And that right now, she is in heaven and her body has been made new...
There is a part of me that will struggle.
She is gone.
She won't be there the next time we go to Shreveport.
There won't be a calm person for me to go visit in the next room over.
Her chair will be empty.
. . . . . . . . .
Dear Granny,
Thank you for all the love you showed me from the get go. I appreciate all your kind words and encouraging wisdom on marriage and raising children. I will hold on to my memories of you and our talks. I hope that one day, I too, can be the old lady in my chair and return the favor to my "granddaughters." I probably won't be as good as you were at it, but I'll certainly try. I love your grandson Josh immensely and I promise to be a good wife to him. I know how important that is to you. Keep an eye on us and be sure to tap me on my shoulder from time to time to remind me how I'm doing.
I know Anna and Forest will have a lot of questions about you... and that is a good thing because they love you a lot too and will miss you also. I will do my best to teach them about God, heaven, and Jesus.
I am already anxious about our next trip to Shreveport because it just won't be the same.
I am glad that you are in heaven and have been reunited with Grandpa Tom. I'm happy that your body has been made whole again and that you are at peace with the Lord. I just hope you like the oven in your mansion and that you're making lots of bread for us to share someday!!

I love and miss you,
Be good,
Heidi